Society: Norms and Standards – Rant 2

There will be more – see below.

Can I just point out that I wasn’t knocking people who like doing all those things I ranted about in Rant 1. It’s the expectation that we all need to conform and be the same that bothers me, not the existence of make-up, heels, or fancy weddings. WE each should decide what we like and how we want to live our lives and not society. I love that we are not all the same. I mean how boring would the world be if we all liked the exact same things? Would you honestly want to live in a world where everybody is exactly like you? I wouldn’t.

A friend reminded me this week that we’re pretty much damned if we do – damned if we don’t. I couldn’t agree more. By letting my hair go gray I’ve somehow decided to conform to the “women should age gracefully” norm. Not sure how I feel about that... I wish we didn’t label people’s decisions like that. And as ever I totally include myself in the “we” here.

Why don’t you want kids?

Not wanting to have kids is bad. Having kids is my purpose in life – or so I’m told. Why would I have to explain and/or defend my decision not to have children to anyone? How is that anybody else’s business? Also, no need to defend your own decision to have kids. You do you!

“No” is a perfectly fine answer to the question “do you have kids?”. I mean it’s a yes/no question. Why would you expect a more expansive answer? And then I also learned that people don’t really want to hear my extensive list of reasons why I don’t have kids when they ask that question. Funny that! They just want to tell me what I’m missing and why I should absolutely have kids. Sometimes I do have a bit of fun with that discussion, I will admit to that. I’m evil that way.

And no, asking a family member if they want kids or why they don’t want kids is no better than if it’s a stranger. None of your business! Period! If somebody wants to talk about it, they will. Seriously! I got asked that question at every single family gathering between the ages of 20ish and 41 (that’s when I stopped going). I was letting everybody down! I was the oldest granddaughter and daughter after all. Asking them to stop didn’t really help. There was a biological clock and was I aware of that? I’m now picturing THAT scene from My Cousin Vinny and laughing. Oh, and I was gonna regret my decision. Haven’t yet and I’m 48.

I’ve had friends reach out to me and ask me to give them advice and all of them first said something like “I’m struggling with this decision and would love to hear your thoughts IF you are okay talking about this”. More than happy to! This is different.

Pink and blue toys

Can we just have kids’ toys? Can the kids just decide what they want to play with? How is pink and blue even still a thing? Don’t get me started on gender reveals … I need to count to 10 real quick. There - all better.

You know those Kinder Surprise Eggs? Here we have two versions – a blue one and a pink one. I recently witnessed a little girl crying because she was given a blue one. There was a dinosaur inside and the person who gave it to her knew that she liked dinosaurs. Took me (yes, it was me) forever to calm her down and explain to her that girls can play with dinosaurs and that the blue and pink didn’t matter. And toy stores have pink and blue sections. Okay, they might not actually be pink and blue, but there’s a girl’s and a boy’s section. How is this a helpful concept?

And while I’m here, why do we need a word for a girl that doesn’t conform to society’s gender norms? Is there a male equivalent to “tomboy”? If there is, I can’t think of one right now.

Not drinking alcohol

Not drinking alcohol – another big one. And no, I won’t have “just a sip” to toast. You need to be able to deal with people not drinking. Come on! In my case I just don’t like wine, beer, and Champagne. Not that the reason should matter. Accept it. It’s not that hard. Try it!

Here’s an example from 2018 when I was in Sweden. We were offered a welcome drink, and everybody went for Champagne. I asked if they had anything non-alcoholic and was brought what I would call an “Apfelschorle” which is apple juice mixed with sparkling water. It looked very similar to Champagne, and I felt it was a more inclusive option than the standard orange juice. I liked that. More of this please.

I just remembered that I went with a no alcohol party for my 40^th. Only birthday party I’ve ever thrown. We had loads of fun and with the puzzles I had everybody solve, they needed their brains at full capacity. It was hilarious. And everybody ended up staying much longer than they’d said they would.

What’s wrong with going Dutch on a date?

This might be a European thing, but I would never expect the other person to pay for everything on a date. Split the check and that’s it. It might be different with friends that you know you’ll go out with again, so you take turns. Or on special occasions like birthdays. Or if you have friends visiting. But on a date? Nope! I’m paying for myself. Anything else creates expectations and I’m not comfortable with that. I remember this being an absolute no-go in California in the 90s. I have a feeling this hasn’t changed much – but I could be wrong. In case I am, ignore this last bit.

More rants to come … don’t act surprised!

I was going to say something about society’s obsession with people’s weight, but that turned into a rant of its own – the *just move more and eat less while not selling gym clothes in bigger sizes* kind. Purity culture also gets a separate rant that will include certain religious cults. And what to eat when and why and anything to do with food will be in the obsession with weight rant as well.

Stay tuned …