What advice would you give your younger self?

How my answer has changed significantly.

So, apparently this wants to be written about. I’m not gonna doubt myself. There have been several attempts, but I never found the right angle.

I used to play the *what advice would you give your younger self* game. Be it on social media, be it in real life. I had my go-to answer. It was dare to be yourself. I think the game limited your advice to five words or less. And no, I’m not having a discussion on whether it should be “less” of “fewer”. I’m just not. “Less” is okay here – deal with it.

Sorry, I’m in a bit of a mood today. Annoyed with myself that I wasn’t up before sunrise to go for a walk. Then again, I was working through some generational trauma Friday night. It was triggered by a family member getting a devastating diagnosis – basically a death sentence from what I can tell. We’re not close, but the entirely family system is affected either way. I will talk more about generational trauma some other time. In this case it looks like I’m entangled somehow. Something to keep an eye on. I already had some strong emotions and a physical reaction that clearly weren’t mine.

Anyway, let’s talk about why dare to be yourself is no longer my answer and why I find it harmful now. It implies that I did something wrong when I was younger. It implies that if I had done things differently my life would somehow be better now. It implies that I wasn’t enough the way I was. It implies that I would have made it through being myself.

I did what I had to in order to survive. Being myself had literally and figuratively been knocked out of me by my surroundings and society as a whole. How is dare to be yourself helpful here? It really isn’t. I did exactly what I had to. I was a tough little girl. A real fighter. Not somebody you want to mess with as a 48-year-old either. You’ve been warned.

Not that any of my readers are in danger – I love you guys.

Would my life be better if I’d dared to be myself? Again, there’s no way of knowing. I do think, however, that I would have been broken even more and not have made it to 48. So, I’m good with what I did when I was younger. It was brave. It was smart. I knew how to make it through instinctively.

I said that my answer changed. What would it be now? I think I would not give my younger self advice – she’s got things covered. I would tell her:

You are great just the way you are and you’re doing an amazing job navigating a complicated situation. The time for you to show your true self and shine will come. Take good care of yourself and don’t forget who you really are until you reach that safe place.

I know what you’re gonna say “Evelyne, that’s more than five words” – gee, thanks Einstein! Life is complicated and if it fits into a Snapple cap it’s probably not helpful or too simplistic.

As a child I was too loud (for a girl), too opinionated (for a girl), too competitive (for a girl), too good at soccer (for a girl), too handy (for a girl), too good at math (for a girl), too smart (for a girl), not girly enough (for a girl), not interested enough in dolls (for a girl). There’s probably a lot more, but you get the picture. And that’s just what I remembered off the top of my head and all of them are things people actually told me were wrong with me and asked me to change about myself.

Society taught me to tone down my personality. Basically, to hide myself because I was not okay, because I was broken, I was not acceptable.

So, I ask you again – how would young me have benefitted from daring to be myself at that point? I was not in an environment where that would have been safe. In school I would have ended up in detention or worse. I would have been broken even more. And I’m not sure piecing myself back together would have been possible.

Kids are smart, kids are intuitive, kids know stuff. Kids should not have to go into survival mode, but if they do, it is necessary.

And yes, as adults it is our job to change our perspective on things and realize that the people who told us we were wrong were the problem. The ones that taught us how to be a good girl or a good boy. I’m not picking on single people here at all. I’m talking about society as a whole. As ever I’m totally including myself here. Also, this is all still happening. See my rants for more on the subject.

Language is powerful, we need to be careful how we used it. We need to consider our words. Especially when we’re talking to ourselves.

Let’s all stop gaslighting ourselves and yes, telling our younger selves to dare to be themselves or anything else to that effect is gaslighting. Think about it.

Had an annual meeting here yesterday - Schloss Biberstein.

Happy Saturday everyone! And to my readers in Europe – enjoy the extra hour of sleep tonight.