We’re in this together!

I won’t be silenced by gaslighting and whataboutisms – I’ll just speak louder for the people in the back.

You’ve heard me say that we live in a toxic world before. That we live in a toxic environment. That we need systemic change. That goes for too many topics to list here. And guess what?! We don’t all live in the same toxic environment. For some it’s being hit on by men whose reaction to “I’m gay” is – “nice, threesome!” There have been three of them so far – and for people who are paying attention that’s three in two years. You seriously couldn’t make this shit up. Others are discriminated against because of the color of their skin, the color of their hair, their age, their ethnicity etc. The list of people being complete dickheads is long and yes, as always, I’m including myself in that dickhead group.

I’m constantly bombarded with weight loss ads – you know the *how to lose all your weight in two hours* kind. More recently *how to lose your menopause weight* - way to keep it real internet! I’m constantly bombarded with make-up tips, because apparently my face needs improving. I own no make-up nor have I ever clicked on anything related to make-up. I’m constantly bombarded with *how to find the right man* – seriously algorithms take a hint! And then there’s the *how to keep your man* ads after that. My DMs are full of guys telling me they love my profile, and how beautiful I am. And yes, this also happened when my profile pictures was my face hidden behind my hair. There are also no selfies on my IG.

I’ve had guys follow me around when I was traveling alone or even with a partner, because we didn’t stick together like glue. Traveling alone this happened at least three times, where it got scary. One time I had a guy sit outside the door of my room at a youth hostel, so I couldn’t slip out. On another occasion an American family adopted me when I whispered to them that I had this creep following me. I’ve had a guy on my bus ask me what my name was, it was somebody I’d seen on that bus almost daily, so I didn’t consider him a stranger and told him my first name. He ended up calling my landline (yes until three years ago I still had a listed landline). He only had my first name and knew my bus stop. That’s a lot of names to go through and he was using a paper phone book. So, forgive me for being reluctant to tell people my real name. I might use my late sister’s name, using her as a kind of guardian angel.

There are so many systemic problems in this world and here’s how I would like us to tackle them:

• don’t try and silence a person’s voice because their story triggers you

• acknowledge that there is a systemic problem even if you don’t feel like you’re a part of it (not all men and such)

• listen to people’s stories without gaslighting them into thinking it’s all not true or not that bad (I was definitely guilty of that one regarding racism – then I started listening to the people affected and the Black Lives Matter movement; I’m still a work in progress)

• call out the behavior in question when you see it – this might not always be possible, but we can all do our best to intervene

• and this is where you realize that tackling a systemic problem helps everybody and that we are in this together

Let me give you an example. I said that I’m targeted by weight loss ads. As an eating disorder survivor this can be particularly harmful. I’m not gonna shout at the companies behind the ads to stop it because I am a survivor, and this is potentially dangerous. No! I’m gonna go after the ridiculous beauty standards that are out there that lead to eating disorders. I’m gonna help people heal from the kind of trauma that can lead to eating disorders. That’s my voice, that’s what I can do. You might also want to listen to Jax’s song “Victoria’s Secret” – I love it! I love the story behind it. And this my friends, is how it’s done (links below).

Yes, eating disorders affect more women than men. Hell, we get targeted by all those ads from a very young age (pre-social media it was on TV and in magazines) – there might just be a correlation there. But tackling the root of those problems (more on that elsewhere) will help everybody. And that’s what it means to tackle systemic problems. Everybody wins.

We all have experiences that shape us. I speak to the ones that affect me, that affected me growing up. What else am I gonna do? I also speak to the biggest lessons I’ve learned. Mainly it was not my fault and I am not alone. Everybody is free to write their own newsletter and share their own story and I’m happy to listen. What I won’t stand for is people trying to invalidate and silence my voice with gaslighting and whataboutisms!

Now, before I let you go. I’m gonna launch a brand-new publication “Healing Trauma - a survivor's perspective” on here. There will also be a YouTube channel and there already is a separate IG Account.

And this is for my friends: Please don’t go for the paid version of that new newsletter. I’ll get the paid ones to you. You were part of the healing process (almost said journey there 😉) and have supported me enough. Thank you for that support! If you give me money anyway, I’ll give it to a charity that supports childhood trauma survivors.

Victoria’s secret: video with lyrics:

Victoria’s secret: flash mob

Victoria’s secret: story behind the song