Toxic positivity

Stop it! You can’t just happy your way out of everything.

NB! I’m not a psychologist, please seek professional help if you’re struggling.

I heard somebody say this week that “it’s entirely up to you whether you want to be happy – you just have to decide to be happy” (not a direct quote as I’m translation from Swiss German, but as accurate as possible).

Where do I even start? I seriously don’t know. That’s toxic positivity at its best – or worst, rather.

I went for a long walk yesterday and thought about toxic positivity. I also thought about all the other things that were said and it’s just so harmful. Too harmful not to speak up. Let me start with a picture that popped into my head during my walk. I think it illustrates my point of view well.

This to me sums up what toxic positivity does. It makes you ignore negative feelings by just pretending everything is okay and on the surface it might well be. Your glass is more than half full. Just ignore all the shit below. But if you keep drinking that water, it’ll make you sick.

One of the biggest lessons I learned during my trauma healing process was that every feeling is there for a reason. And that this very feeling needs to be acknowledged. It can be as simple as “I’m feeling really sad right now – I wonder why” and then moving on with your day. That sense of wonder is all that’s needed for your mind and body to know it’s okay to feel sad. Maybe you’ll find out later what had triggered that feeling, maybe you don’t. The important message is that every feeling is okay. Every feeling is a message. Forcing yourself to stop feeling sad, because … happy – that’s just wrong.

Shame, guilt, avoidance, denial, pain

This is what toxic positivity causes. Feelings of shame and guilt. It promotes avoidance and denial. And ultimately causes a lot of pain. I can’t even begin to tell you how crucial it is to stop with this toxic positivity BS. It destroys lives – and I mean that literally. It almost cost me mine. Toxic positivity tells you that your feelings are not valid. That you’re doing something wrong if you can’t make yourself feel happy. That uncomfortable feelings are bad – we mustn’t have them. All this is preventing us from healing, from growing, from living …

Another favorite of mine is that you can find something positive in every situation. Why? Why would I spend time looking for a positive aspect of let’s say my sister dying? Why would I waste time on that? It sucked! That’s it. It was horrible. It was traumatic. It took years of working through what had become complicated grief because at the time I didn’t cry. I was trying to make everybody happy again by being happy. I equally love 5-year-old me for that and am sad that I didn’t mourn at the time.

There are everyday situations that are difficult and that you can’t just happy your way out of. That’s life. Pretending you’re happy in such situations – come on! Talk about cognitive dissonance. No need to dwell on it either of course. How about acknowledging “this sucked” and go from there? Also, how boring would life be if “happy” was our only setting?

OMD! I just had a Barbie (the movie) flashback. I think that’s what bothered me about it. The toxic positivity portrayed at the beginning. It was just way too happy (and pink and plastic) and the expectation was that everybody was happy. That will take some untangling too, but anyway …

Boring! That’s what it would be. But if we all felt happy and only happy all the time, boring or bored wouldn’t even be an option.

Is happiness really what we should all want in life? I can say that I am generally happy. And you know what makes me happy? That I can feel all these wonderful and not so wonderful emotions now without guilt, shame and trying to avoid them. They are what make us human. They are like friends who show up once in a while to highlight what is happening and to draw your attention to certain situations. And just like other friends, sometimes you can tell them that you appreciate their input, but that you don’t have the capacity to process what they’re telling you right now. That’s a way of managing your emotions. You need to acknowledge them and then you can totally shift your focus to something happier, to something positive. You don’t have to dwell on negative emotions – it’s ignoring them or pretending they are not there that is harmful and very much so.

I’m all for strategies that help you manage your emotions; that keep you from downward spiraling; that help you get out of a funk quicker; that change your perspective on something. You can’t control your thoughts. You can’t control your feelings. That’s just not possible. You can shift your focus. You can change your perspective. You can look for positive things around you to help you manage difficult emotions. But you can also grab a bucket of ice cream and hide under your covers for a day, because sometimes life or people just suck. And you definitely do not have to be happy about that.

I realized during my walk that now that I let myself feel those emotions I’d been trying to avoid for so long, it is easier for me to express them too. I might not always find the right word for an emotion (in any language) but I can describe what I’m feeling much better. It’s all connected. I am much happier now that I’m not pretending to be happy all the time.

Have a lovely Saturday everyone.