Sunday morning thoughts - Sept. 24, 2023

Generally happy but ... things keep happening.

I’m writing this looking out into a sea of fog that's supposed to clear around 11. The sun just tried to make its way through the fog a few minutes ago. I love fall. I love the cold foggy mornings. I love the changing colors. I love chasing the sun (i.e. going up a mountain) when the fog down below doesn't clear. I love fall food – mushrooms and pumpkin soup come to mind. I love how moody the weather is. How the sun and the clouds are battling it out. I love everything about fall. And this Sunday morning is the first fall morning of 2023. This first paragraph was almost exactly what I was going to write as a comment to another newsletter. I decided to delete and put it in mine.

I took this picture almost two years ago in the hills above Aarau. I love fall.

It's been a bit of a weird week. I was going to go for a couple of hikes on Friday and Saturday, but as the gif I posted on Twitter said “I was sabotaged by my baby box”. I don’t know who came up with the concept of perimenopause, but I’m sure whoever it was is laughing their head off. I know I’m not supposed to talk about periods because it might make people uncomfortable – hang on, what?! As if that’s gonna stop me. So, my period made another surprise appearance this week. Kind of feels like it can’t let go and can’t just disappear for good. Also, possibly wanting to make sure that I really don’t want to get pregnant. Giving me a few extra chances – chances I haven’t asked for. I just wish there was some indication of when those visits might happen. I hate surprise visits – that goes for people too. They always show up at the worst possible moments. And when you’re completely unprepared.

Oh maybe that’s why most of my friends are not in Switzerland. Hadn’t thought of that. Makes perfect sense. Love you guys!

Anyway, the surprise visit is one thing, being woken up by intense pain in the middle of the night is something else entirely. Completely knocked me out for two days. But yes, it’s all normal. Too much time to think. That’s not always good. Pain that won’t stop, also not ideal. I might have binge-watched an entire former TV series on Netflix under piles of blankets with a hot water bottle on my stomach. I need to get a cat. The kind that will lie on my stomach when it hurts.

You know how I talked about abuse in church environments last week, well … what can I say. It’s a never-ending story. I will never stop being triggered by stories of abuse. Stories of abuse by well-respected members of the community. The kind of abuse that goes unpunished for decades. It doesn’t matter what kind of abuse we’re talking about – it really doesn’t. They all come with the same feelings of not being enough. You can add countless adjectives before the word “enough”. It’s ALL of them.

Then there’s the feeling of shame about what happened. The feeling of guilt about what happened. The feeling of responsibility for what happened. The feeling of helplessness. The feeling of being alone. The feeling of not being taken seriously in your pain and trauma because others have it so much worse and what you’ve been through is not bad enough. I’ve written about this before.

I just can’t believe this is ongoing and the perpetrators don’t see anything wrong in their behavior. And some of them even deny the abuse happened. Prominent figures in society, supported by entire political parties. I’m talking about abuse cases in a Christian school in Zurich that were made public this week. Those of you who read German can find the story is Swiss newspapers. Just one thing for everybody else – there is a Läderach stores all over the world, there’s one on 5^th Ave in New York, please don’t buy their chocolate. At least not if you’re pro-choice, pro women’s rights, pro LGBTQ+ rights and anti-abuse in the name of Jesus and otherwise.

When I say I get triggered, it’s not the kind of trigger it used to be. Not the kind that will transport me back and relive my own abuse. That’s not it. I’ve worked through that. It’s wanting to speak up because I know the pain and suffering. Empathy is what is triggered.

I mentioned my friends abroad – I miss them so much. I haven’t been able to hang out with them on Zoom as much as I would have liked. I love my new job and I’m trying to get enough sleep so I can do the job well. But yes, I miss hanging out. I might need to do something about that and organize me own little Zoom hangs once in a while. Also, it does matter what time zone your friends are in. That 8 AM message you want to send, that 9 AM coffee break you want to share with somebody, that lunch time picture down by the lake. Yes, you can send those messages, but they will be read much later. It’s just different.

Wow, this was fast – five minutes ago it was still foggy. Now I can see nothing but blue skies. It wasn’t supposed to clear up until 11 AM, but I’ll take it. Waiting for the laundry to be done so I can hang my clothes outside to be dried by the sun. Then I’ll go for a short walk soaking up the sun. There might be a longer walk later on. This one is just be to stretch my legs.

That’s it for today – just one last thing. I missed a lovely tradition on Friday night. It’s called “Bachfischet” and when you search for that and click on pictures you know why I’m a bit sad I missed it. Love all the lanterns.

Have a lovely Sunday everyone. And I will see some of you on Zoom later on today.