Sunday Morning Thoughts – February 18, 2024

Emotional much?

What a rollercoaster of a week. Emotions raw and all over the place. Vulnerability high. Chocolate intake - appropriate.

So many things on my mind and I already wrote something this morning. It’s about responsibility when it comes to healing trauma and it’s in my other newsletter. Read it here:

This is my responsibility?

I might write more on a change of perspective, on finding new friends, but if I start thinking about it too much now, I will go off and write another trauma newsletter and abandon this one. There’s something brewing though and if the weather stays like this, I’ll be writing it later.

This week I spoke up for something that was just too important not to. It made me feel extremely vulnerable even though I’d talked about it before. These were strangers I was talking to, and it was a group of people. Still, I needed to talk about how finding help was not the main problem when struggling with my mental health. It was realizing that this was not “normal”. I hate using that word, but for lack of a more appropriate one I’m going with it.

I had gone decades and from doctor to doctor and nobody found anything wrong. I had constant headaches and earaches right after my sister had passed. Doctors couldn’t find anything. I had major stomach pain that was left unexplained. Yes, the early 80s was a different time but NOBODY connected all these symptoms to the death of my sister. I have questions!

It went on and on and on. And as more trauma was added the symptoms changed – the diagnoses didn’t. I remember getting the question of “are you stressed?” at some point. But I wasn’t feeling stressed. Stress and high cortisol levels were my normal. I was in survival mode. And I was still a kid.

Anyway, back to the point I was trying to make. It took me decades to figure out that

• I was stuck in survival mode

• I was neurodivergent - times at least two

• childhood trauma had left me with CPTSD

• doctors know sh*t about mental health and would rather treat (and I use that term very loosely here) the symptoms than dig a little deeper

• being an introvert explained some of my anxiety in social situations

• it was up to me to figure what kind of help I needed

So, after more than four decades the healing started. All I needed was an entirely new set of friends. Okay, some of the old ones have stuck around and I want them to, but it’s mostly new friends now.

Why am I telling you this? Oh yes, getting help for my mental health challenges might have taken some time (it can take up to a year to find the right therapist and get the help you need from the time you start looking), but it’s NOTHING compared to actually figuring out I needed help. That what I was going through was not just “normal”.

In order to figure that out I needed to start speaking up. I needed friends who listened and took my experiences seriously. I needed people in my life who didn’t just brush things off as “oh, you’re too sensitive” and who didn’t tell me to just “suck it up”. People who actually cared that I was hurting and who weren’t involved in what hurt me.

Ooops, I was going to keep this light today. Anyway, I’m the strongest I’ve been mentally - as in EVER. No need to worry at all. It’s just that I’ve opened up a gate to really raw emotion and processing that will need some time.

How did I get here?

Speaking up when something is important to you. Well, yes. The introvert in me was telling me not to do it. That it wasn’t relevant. Tell you what. I did and it was. So, speak up. You never know who needs to hear it. Lived experience is a strength not a weakness. Lived experience is what you bring to the table and it’s helpful to others.

Ever since I started doing this more and more, there’s doors opening. I’m not sure which one I’m going to peek through next. There’s still a slight reluctance but I’m getting braver and braver.

Random thought – I bought new sheets yesterday. They need to be washed. I’ll be right back. New sheets? Well, yes and I’m not going to spell it out to you. You’ll figure it out.

What else was I going to tell you? Oh, you’re gonna hate this. I’m telling you anyway. In Switzerland we not only fix potholes on roads and bike routes. Nope, we also fix them on hiking paths. You don’t believe me? I have picture evidence. Of course I do. I’m just so Swiss sometimes. So, here it is. And no, it’s not a path that’s in any way wheelchair or push chair accessible. There’s steps and tree roots and rocks to climb over just a few yards up the path.

On Friday I went on a very short hike (like 5 km) with a friend. We only did the panoramic part of the route. The rest is nice but a bit boring. And to be honest the whole thing was more about catching up and talking for hours. The area we walked in is called Wasserschloss. This really can’t be translated literally – it would be “water castle” or “water lock” (as in the ones people put on bridges to signify their undying love. Don’t get me started on that or Valentine’s Day). What it means is that there is a lot of water in this area. Three of our main rivers meet here. I would probably say that there are about seven main rivers in Switzerland, but it depends on your definition). Anyway, in the canton of Aargau we have a lot of water. And in this area the Reuss first flows into the Aare and just a little bit further down stream the Limmat joins as well. It’s a beautiful area and technically you can see the Alps from up on that hill. On a clear day, I mean. It was beautiful either way.

Panoramic view over the "Wasserschloss"

Now for those of you not as familiar with Swiss geography. The river Reuss flows out of Lake Lucerne in Lucerne and the river Limmat flows through Zurich. I hope I don’t have to tell you that the river Aare flows through Aarau, but you might be new here. It’s also the river our de facto capital Bern is situated on.

I really want to tell you about my new favorite tote bag. On Thursday it got bright and sunny around lunch time, so I wasn’t going to sit indoors for lunch and went for a walk. I strolled down into the Old Town and just enjoyed being outside. I then felt the urge to go into the bookshop near Bellevue. Yes, that does mean “nice view”. I was recently reminded of some of my favorite authors. I’ve totally been neglecting them. So, I picked up their most current books and an LGBTQ novel that looked good. They now have a self-scan and checkout machine. It seemed convenient and easy enough and there was no line.

Of course, I was on the foreign language books and travel floor and walking down two floors was gonna be tricky. You can’t walk down the stairs with your eyes closed. So, long story short – I saw the tote bags. They were made from cotton and they had a zipper and a little inside pocket and one of them said “Bookaholic” on it. I mean, come on! Give me a chance. I can’t resist that. It’s impossible. You know what my phone is called instead of “Evelyne’s …” when my Bluetooth is on? It’s called “bookaholic”. This bag was meant for me. And yes, I did buy it. Thank you for asking.

Kind of an expensive lunch break. Totally worth it though.

Gonna leave you here. I got stuff to do or write or read or whatever. Have a lovely Sunday everyone.