Struggling to find myself

Some lessons I learned over the past couple of years.

I’ve decided to write down some of the things I’ve learned over the past couple of years, because I thought they might help others. I’m not a mental health professional. So, please seek professional help if you are struggling. And always remember: You are not alone!

Being a “good girl”

Growing up I was the “good girl”, the girl that didn’t cause her parents much trouble, that didn’t want to be a burden to anyone, that didn’t speak up when she was being bullied … Everything seemed well to those around me, but internally I was already struggling. Never speaking up and not communicating my needs took a toll. Of course, I was easy to get along with and well liked when keeping my feelings bottled up. I’ve since learned that being labelled a “good girl” growing up is a well-known pattern for adult people pleasers. I am now working on breaking that habit or at least toning it down a bit.

Lesson 1: being a “good girl” might be sought after by parents and society, but it was not a good thing for me

What is that feeling? And why does it matter?

I got out of an almost 23-year relationship and was struggling with all sorts of feelings that suddenly came to the surface. A friend helped me understand that there is a reason for every single feeling and that these feelings are real – real for me. I started working on that and gave each feeling space or at least acknowledged it. Before that I pushed away all the feelings I didn’t want to have. And I mean some of those feelings of intense anger, who wants those? It took me a while to even understand why this entire process was important. And I don’t mean understanding every feeling, just acknowledging what you are feeling and being okay with it. Dismissing feelings makes things worse. Do you remember being told “don’t be angry”, “don’t cry”, “nothing happened” growing up? – not helpful!

Lesson 2: Feelings matter! Even small ones and especially ones you don’t want to feel.

Others have/had it much worse than you!

This is a big one for me and I will write more about this. I mean, COME ON – who has the worst trauma then? Who is allowed to feel bad about and struggle with the trauma they suffered? There can clearly only be one if we’re going by that “others have/had it worse” rule. This is another way of invalidating what you’re feeling. Others have it worse? How is that a helpful response? It just tells people “you don’t matter!” or “your feelings don’t matter”. Can we please stop that? I can only deal with my own trauma and my own emotions. I need to heal my own personal trauma – everybody does. And my personal trauma is the only one I can heal. This is one that makes me angry, because people who tell you this most likely invalidate their struggles using that same rule.

Lesson 3: Mental health is not a competition! Nobody wins from you neglecting your own feelings because others “have it worse”.

You matter!

Who knew? I matter! Taking care of others – yes, I got that down. It’s also a good escape. Having to deal with yourself is not always easy. I’ve started to “disappoint” others instead of myself. Wow! That’s a steep learning curve. And if you’re doing what’s best for you and people are disappointed, because you’re not going out of your way to meet THEIR needs. Well, there’s a message in that … There are exceptions of course (children come to mind), but it works for me as a general rule – be honest about your needs and communicate them openly. See what happens.

Lesson 4: It’s okay to “disappoint” others instead of yourself

You’re unique!

There’s nobody else like you. Yes, that was actually a lesson I needed to learn. Of course I knew that, but what does it actually mean? Who am I? How do I know how to be me? I found this the most difficult, because there are so many societal expectations. So many things that I was told girls don’t do/can’t do (math, build stuff, play soccer) and that I actually really enjoyed. How is it helpful to tell somebody they can’t do something they like doing? Why would society be okay with that? How do we expect people to grow up knowing their worth and who they truly are when we keep telling them who they are expected to be? And that brings us back to meeting everybody’s else’s expectations and to being that “good girl”.

Lesson 5: Untangle yourself from external expectations and dare to be the beautiful unique you that you are!

To be continued and expanded on ...