Stop romanticising resilience

There is no other choice.

When you wake up at 5 AM on your day off and it’s still really dark outside so you can’t go walking or grocery shopping yet, you kinda have to scroll through Instagram. I think that’s the rule. Either way I wasn’t going to turn the light on and do something sensible.

I saw this reel and while I might not have used those exact words myself, it’s close enough for me to quote what she said.

I don’t find it flattering when you call me resilient.

I’m so exhausted by my strength.

I’m tired of people romanticizing my urgency and ambition as if I had any other choice.

I never wanted the choice between resiliency and ease.

I wanted ease.

I wanted peace.

I wanted love.

I wanted reciprocity.

I never wanted to be complimented on how hard I can take a hit.

Trauma doesn’t make you stronger – it traumatizes you. PERIOD. That’s it. End of story. Well, not quite... I used to buy into the whole what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger mentality. I might have even said that in a newsletter. Something I’ll need to edit. It takes a lot of strength and effort to get up again, to embark on the healing journey. And I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to sugarcoat what it takes, the hours and days of lying on the floor in a crying heap until there were no tears left.

And that’s exactly why I won’t shut up about it. I just won’t. Especially when I see how people are traumatized left, right and center. War is an obvious one. How we seem to have entered a competition of who can do the most atrocious things to fellow human beings, of who can inflict the most pain in the name of whatever or whoever is beyond comprehension.

Then there’s abuse cases the scales of which are incomprehensible. These are public cases. There’s no knowing how much abuse happens behind closed doors at the hands of family members. You know, people you should feel safe with. At home where you’re “safe”.

And don’t think small children can’t be traumatized because they are too young to remember. The body remembers. My first big t Trauma happened in the womb. Took a while to work through that and put those feelings into words. I’m not making this up. THE BODY REMEMBERS. YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM REMEMBERS.

Looking at the world today I can’t take it all in. There is so much pain and suffering. So many lives forever scarred. So many childhoods lost. So many nightmares lived. “Time heals all wounds” just popped into my head. It doesn’t. It really doesn’t. We can’t sit and wait for the wounds to be healed. Some wounds will never fully heal. Just like visible scars. They healed as much as they could. And sometimes they still hurt.

Children should feel safe growing up. Children should not have to worry about clean water, food or bare necessities. Children should not be woken up by sirens. Children should not see their friends die. Children should not live in fear.

Remember that next time you praise somebody for being resilient. It wasn’t their choice.

This is what children should be doing. Taking yellow circles on the ground and making them prettier.