Meet my wheatfield – a story of Vincent and me
How cathartic!
I’ve been trying to write this for a while now. I know I’ve mentioned bits and pieces all over the place. And now that I’m starting to write my feelings are all over the place too. Of course, I was looking through my 2020 pictures and I started remembering how I was feeling at the time.
I had promised to write about Vincent van Gogh and how his story and art have influenced me in a way I never thought possible. And when I went to see the Vincent van Gogh and Matthew Wong exhibit at the art museum in Zurich last week, I knew that I really had to write it NOW!
So, before 2020 I knew the basics. Famous artist, cut his ear off, died by suicide, wasn’t famous during his lifetime and he was Dutch. That was about it. I could have pointed out the odd painting too. Possibly sunflowers and anything blue I might have recognized as his too.
It was at the end of 2019 or the beginning of 2020 that I saw someone post about an immersive van Gogh experience where you could walk through his paintings, and they were animated and set to music. That sounded interesting.
Quick side note: up to then I didn’t see the point in art, art museums or anything like that. I even got offended when somebody got me a ticket to an art exhibit for my birthday once. Back then I thought you were either academically minded and analytical OR creative. You couldn’t be both. I lived in a VERY dual world. It was either - or and that was that.
News flash, you can totally be analytical and creative. Hello?! What was I even thinking?
I almost didn’t make it into February 2020 for those who do know. So, me seeing posters for an immersive van Gogh experience shortly after, buying a ticket at random and making it there on February 20 was quite something. It was something I’d never done before.
February 20, 2020
I went to the exhibit at Lichthalle Maag in Zurich. I had NO idea what to expect. I was mesmerized from the second I stepped foot into the hall. I walked in just as Wheatfield with Crows was displayed and the music got very dramatic. Then there was what sounded like a gunshot and all the crows flew away.
I can literally feel that moment in my entire body. It’s has stayed with me for reasons that are difficult to explain. Those who know – know.
Not sure what else I took away from that experience. I remember being fascinated and stunned about how little I knew about van Gogh and his life. I had read up on him a little, but I knew I wanted to know more. I knew I felt connected with his work in a weird way.
What I didn’t know then was that our world was about to change in a major way. Just nine days later on February 29 – you couldn’t find toilet paper anywhere. Canned goods were sold out as was pasta.
After the exhibit there was a train to Paris leaving from the same platform as my train home. I took a picture of it. Remember that for later.
June 2020
I went back to Van Gogh Alive (that was the name of the immersive van Gogh experience). It was after the first lock down here in Switzerland. I needed to experience that gunshot moment with the crows again and I did. Also, having started hiking and being out in nature more – just like a lot of people during the pandemic, I seemed to have more of an appreciation for van Gogh’s work.
I bought a puzzle of his sunflower painting and went back home.
[…]
End of January 2024
I finally made it to Paris for the first time in my life. There happened to be a van Gogh exhibit. It was on Vincent’s last 70 days at Auvers-sur-Oise. I booked it without giving it much thought. It was an evening event and my ticket was only for this exhibit. It was absolutely stunning. The number of paintings and learning more about his time there. Just an amazing experience. I took a few pictures of the wheatfield with the crows without really making that connection to four years earlier. At least I don’t think I made it at that time.
There were other museums with some of his works of art in Paris. But this is the one I wanted to highlight. There was also something written on one of the walls that said how Vincent hoped that at some point he could show off his paintings in a little café. This reminded me of this Dr. Who scene at the Musée d’Orsay. Sad that he never knew.
April 6, 2024
Sometime in February or March of 2024 I felt this urge to paint. And somehow, I found paintevents in Zurich. I booked a class called “Paint like van Gogh” as my first event. It was a guided class that lasted three hours. The first 2h 15 we painted together – step by step. Then we were told that we had 45 minutes to finish. I have no idea what happened next, but I did let lose, totally connected to the painting and finished. I was so in the zone it was insane. And I mean that quite literally. I was totally out of it.
You’ve all seen the result. 10 days later I was at a museum in the Netherlands where the original lives. So, here’s a collage of step 1 and the last step before completion, then my version and the original. This was the first time I ever painted – first time since school and I’m 49.
August 2024
I went to ‘s Hertogenbosch (Den Bosch) in North Brabant. At the town museum there was an exhibit about his life there. I found it super fascinating to learn about all the places they mentioned. He’d been all over the province as a young man. Of course they are very proud of their famous son. And I was a bit sad that I didn’t have the time to ride a bike along the van Gogh route.
I have to admit though that I was slightly more fascinated by the artist Hieronymus Bosch when I got there. I had first heard about him in a book by Michael Connelly as it was his lead detective’s name. So, I was intrigued to find out more when I was in Den Bosch. Sorry about that Vincent. I totally got distracted.
October 2024
As I mentioned above, I went to an exhibit of Vincent van Gogh and Matthew Wong’s work. There was something in the way Matthew Wong’s style was described and how he himself talked about how he would pick random colors and just start. His brush strokes were at times chaotic and seemingly random. That triggered something. What got to me as well was where it said that he used his art to reflect his emotions and that the landscapes served as a refuge. And something about the overwhelming vastness of those landscapes which I read as “overwhelming emotions”.
I was like – holy crap! Apart from the landscapes, that sounds like me. I mean all the emotion that flows into my paintings and sometimes it feels a bit manic and like I can’t stop.
It really had me thinking and worrying a bit too. I mean they both died really young, both by suicide. And here I was feeling very connected to one of them, while just discovering the other and starting to feel really anxious as I was walking around the exhibit. That’s when I knew I had to write about this.
The song “Vincent” (Starry starry night)
It’s a powerful song. When I first heard it the lyrics really spoke to me. Let me quote just a few lines. “Look out on a summer’s day, with eyes that know the darkness in my soul” or especially “how you suffered for your sanity”. That one gets me every single time.
Then there is also “And when no hope was left in sight on that starry, starry night, you took your life […]” and “but I could have told you, Vincent, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you”.
Just powerful stuff.
I might have played that song on a loop all afternoon. It felt like I needed that. It also felt like it helped me heal some more. I thought I’d try to paint that wheatfield picture. I was listening to the song while doing it. I listened to the Mona Lisa Twin’s version of the song. You can find it here.
I also found another version of the song by a young Dutch artist. This one gave me goosebumps. It’s not the full song but wow! Check it out here.
Where do I go from here?
Well, I tried my hand at that wheatfield, but it wasn’t for me. I feel like painting something that needs to look like anything limits my creativity. It didn’t feel right. I painted over the path. I don’t like a path that is given. I like to find my own way. Just look at the cover of my book. It’s my footsteps in the sand – nobody else’s around. Of course, I follow a path when out hiking and stuff but in life – I’m creating my own. It’s not visible to others.
Also, I tried to put crows in the picture but those looked all wrong. I tried them in a different color (reddish) but nope that felt wrong too. Did they maybe symbolize death? I’m not having that on my picture thank you very much.
I tried to add some trees but they looked out of place. So, I added some more structural paste and just did a full wheatfield without much structure or depth or anything you’d expect in a landscape painting.
I felt super connected to Vincent when I started writing this earlier today but now it feels like going through all those emotions has helped me heal even more. I remember how I felt at the start. That’s no longer me. I get that this might sound weird to some of you. To me it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. I feel so relieved.
Writing this, going through those emotions again and painting my version of a wheatfield was cathartic. I needed that.
I hope everybody is out there finding their own way, Keep going and don’t worry if there’s nobody else on your path. That’s just means you’re living life your own way.
Beautiful impressions and expressions
Fields of GOLD - Sweet!