inner child? – think again!

How my trauma healing started when I stopped trying to heal that inner child.

Disclaimer: I’m a trauma survivor and not a mental health professional. I write about what I learned and what helped me. Please seek professional help if you’re struggling!

Who hasn’t heard about this inner child that apparently needs to be healed?

There are so many books out there that talk about the inner child. My own book may have inner child in its title too, but not in the same way. Stay tuned!

Anyway, I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept of the inner child that needs to be healed for people to be happy as adults. There are many different versions of how to do this – I’m giving you one example below. I don’t dispute that our childhood is very relevant in our lives as adults. Of course it is. It’s the thought of there being something separate from ourselves that needs to be healed that I take issue with.

I’m suggesting a change of focus: heal yourself. Yes, some of your struggles will have originated in childhood, but instead of hugging that inner child - hug yourself, treat yourself well. Here. Now.

Very unhelpful!

Okay, picture this. You’re struggling with something. Could be self-worth, could be feeling like you’re not good enough – I mean there’s literally an endless list. Pick one that you can relate to. One version of healing that inner child (because people tell you that that’s who needs healing, right?) is that you sit in front of a mirror and talk to your inner child. You might sit there and suddenly start crying because something from childhood comes up and this is very liberating – I will admit to that, and you give your inner child a hug and promise to take care of it. Been there, done that. Feels good in the moment.

Now, here’s why I don’t find this concept helpful. If you do and this has helped you, more power to you – I know a lot of people do. In my personal experience it seemed helpful on the surface, but my trauma healing only started when I stopped trying to heal my inner child.

Let me explain. One of the things that can happen with childhood trauma is that you dissociate. This is a survival mechanism and if you boil it down to an emotional detachment from reality or your surroundings because it’s too difficult – that makes perfect sense. It’s very necessary in that moment. That’s step one.

If you consider a situation where you’re struggling for some reason. Let’s say you feel like you’re not appreciated, and this is a feeling you know all too well. It’s really getting you down and since you learned about healing your inner child you give this a try. You remove yourself from your present situation, you talk to your inner child, you cry, you hug, you wipe your tears and then you go back to where you were before. Step out – step back in. Now to me, this feels like dissociation. Massively so.

What I had to learn during my (trauma) healing journey was to NOT dissociate in emotionally difficult situations and stay present. This doesn’t only concern big T trauma (i.e. what everybody would consider trauma), but any emotion that is difficult to deal with.

Please hear me out. If you’re struggling in the here and now, this is where you need to stay. YOU have these feelings, and you have them NOW. Stay with them, feel them, practice feeling them even - and especially - if it’s hard. Your inner child is not struggling right now (it’s in the past, how is that even possible?!) YOU are! Reconnecting with yourself and your feelings is what is needed. YOU are hurting. YOU need to heal. Here. Now.

Yes, but … childhood experiences matter

Of course they do. And I’ll be the first one to say that. It’s where it all started. It’s where we learned how to regulate our emotions, how to express them or less ideally how to dissociate from them and hide them away. Also, consider this – YOU have struggled since childhood. YOU were hurt as a child. This hurt has been with you for a long time. If it affect your life in the here and now, it needs to be dealt with in the here and now.

YOU were hurt as a child (past)

YOU struggle now (present)

YOU have struggled since childhood (present perfect – ongoing up to now)

You don’t need to go back to your childhood to learn how to regulate your current emotions. You don’t need to figure out where they came from. Try to let yourself feel them – sometimes this step needs to be repeated over and over again as it needs practice. Those feelings are still around for a reason. Dare to feel them, acknowledge them, honor them. I needed a lot of practice to allow myself to feel the difficult emotions I had bottled up. Give yourself time. Be gentle. And again, please seek professional help if you’re struggling.

I said that you don’t need to figure out where these emotions came from, but if you’re anything like me getting to the root of certain struggles will undoubtedly help you. I needed that for some of my trauma. There were entire behavioral patterns that I was able to untangle because I dug deeper; and it was liberating. Still – the focus needs to remain YOU and NOW.

You matter! Here and now!

I will write a separate newsletter on feelings matter, why they do and how this should be taught in schools. Also coming soon: I have a similar issue with “going out of your comfort zone”.

Always happy to hear your thoughts. In the comments or send me a personal message.