Expectations - random thoughts
I started writing this in May. It's very random and I might elaborate on certain areas some other time.
Social Media
We post something. We leave. We come back. We see comments/likes. Our reaction to what we see is triggered by our expectations. No expectations: any like will be a positive, any comment a surprise (hopefully a positive one as well); negative comments don’t hurt as much because we don’t expect positive ones. If we expect people to like what we posted: likes are not seen as positive, since we were expecting those; we were also expecting positive comments – those are just “ticked off” as well. Negative comments however – those really hurt, because they don’t match our expectations. Be careful out there! My trick (it’s not actually a trick, I just forget to check comments – but don’t tell anyone): on Twitter I only see messages from people I follow.
Selfies
There’s a reason I don’t follow Instagram accounts with mostly selfies. The expectation of people is clear – external validation. I too like positive comments when I post a selfie, but I don’t expect them. I post silly videos and selfies where I’m clearly confused where to look and make fun of myself. I don’t need external validation. Luckily, most followers laugh along with me since I’m know for not taking myself too seriously. I’m super glad that Instagram etc. was not around when I was a teenager. I don’t think I’d have survived the almost inevitable cyberbullying. And I’m not even tempted to post a selfie at this point. Or maybe I am… I was a very early Pastafarian (1978ish).
Unspoken expectations
This could be cultural or regional or pretty much anything. We all have expectations as to how people should act/react to what we do. A simple example, I get irritated when people don’t say hi when I’m out walking. Well, maybe not irritated but I notice it.
Dating is an interesting one. As far as I’m aware it’s quite common to split the check when on a date at a restaurant around here. When I lived in the US people were very surprised by that. Okay that was a couple of decades ago, but still. I find it easiest to make sure everybody has the same expectations whatever the context. We should normalize the question “what are your expectations”. I’m no dating expert by a long shot. Never really dated much, but this is gonna be my entirely unromantic approach going forward. No more not knowing, no more uncertainty. It’s unhealthy and a red flag.
Job hunting
Job hunting as an example. You know those job ads and your motivation letters and how you’re trying to match expectations? And then you get there and you’re disappointed because nothing is what it seemed. If you’re lucky you find out during the interview process; if not you’ve already started working there when things unravel. Can we normalize being honest?
I went to this workshop on how to apply for a job. If I went to the same workshop today, I’d call total BS on them. It was all about selling yourself, bigging up your CV and just basically put on a show. Can I please just be me? I think I’m cool (other adjectives apply) and good at my job(s). My CV is decent as well. Why would I have to pretend? I almost wish I could go back to that workshop.
If people can’t handle me in a job interview, I’m not a match. Simple as that. Then I don’t meet their expectations. And if they ask my questions like “where do you see yourself in five years?” – that’s not gonna work out. Especially not when I ask the same question back “where do you see this department in five years? What are your short- and medium-term goals?” and there’s no real answer. Ouch on so many levels!
Where I’ve not met external/societal expectations
So far I’ve been made to feel like I’m not ok because (these are just the ones that came to mind):
I’m not a boy – how awful of me!
I don’t fit into a neurotypical framework – scary!
I’m excellent at math – “but you’re a girl!”
I don’t wear make-up and don’t own any high-heeled shoes
I never went through a party phase, I’d much rather read a book
I’ve never tried drugs – my brain is crazy enough as is
I’ve never been drunk – such a freak
All these are social expectations – I was supposed to meet them, but I didn’t and I’m not going to start now. We - as a society - have an obligation to stop! Just let people be who they are. Just think of how much money (in therapy) could be saved if people were taught that they are OKAY just the way they are!
You are all enough!
As I said this was just a random collection of thoughts on expectations. I have more on school and makeup some other time. Be well! Be your beautiful selves!