Enough is enough
I got triggered by recent victim blaming on social media
I’ve been working and writing (stay tuned) on overcoming childhood trauma. One of the biggest lessons is that you are not to blame for what happened to you. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Well, it isn’t. Victim blaming is so ingrained in us that it’s difficult to change that mindset. “Oh, you got beat up a lot when you were young – well, you must have misbehaved”. This is so messed up! And it let’s the perpetrator off the hook.
There are groups who take victim blaming to the next level. Have you seen Shiny Happy People? Or ever heard of the Duggars? If anything happens to one of the girls, it is their fault, because they either had lustful thoughts or were wearing something to defraud a boy/man. If the husband strays it is the wife’s fault for not being joyfully available at all times. I can’t even …
I singled out this group, but a lot of women grow up thinking that a man’s behavior towards them is their responsibility – no matter what the situation. This also paints men as these sex-driven monsters that are unable to control themselves. A view that I also feel is present when it comes to victim blaming especially because both men and women are joining in. It’s a societal problem.
Parents are told to protect their daughters. How about parents educating their sons and daughters? As long as we put all the responsibility on the girls and women, things are not going to change. That should be obvious to everybody. As long as girls and women get victim blamed when they are assaulted – things won’t change.
What you wear does not matter!
Newsflash to the *she had it coming wearing that* crowd: you can wear the baggiest clothes, no make-up, hair in a messy bun and this can still be seen as an invitation to be cat called, hit on, touched inappropriately etc.
Of the top of my head, I can think of five instances in my own life (I’m sure there’s more, but we’re trained to just brush those off) and here’s what I was wearing at the time: very loose-fitting hiking outfit (2x), a firefighting uniform, jeans and a baggy t-shirt (2x). None of these instances where at parties, involved me drinking (I don’t drink) nor did I have any previous contact with the men involved. So don’t go telling me that this only happens to drunk women, who dress - what you deem -“inappropriately” and therefore had it coming. And guess what, even if a woman dances naked on top of a table that’s not an invitation to anything. Maybe cut down on watching porn if you don’t know the difference. Women can party, have a good time, drink, flirt and not want to have sex with you. Who knew?!
I can now hold my own and in a recent case shouting “leave me the fuck alone” at a guy that was following me around a Dutch city, insisting that I HAD TO go have coffee (and more) with him just because he happened to see me walking down the street, proved very effective. People were ready to jump in and he got the message. And I’m going with the most “harmless” example here as not to trigger my readers too much.
However, we’re not always in a situation where we can speak up, where we can put up a fight, where we know that what’s happening is not okay, where it is safe to do so, where we know we won’t get victim blamed. None of that is our fault.
Society needs to do better! Newspaper headlines are a big part of this – enough is enough!
Dear Evelyne, you never deserved the ABUSE BNN you have had throughout your Lifetime at the Hands of Men and yes I so agree a Systematic Change MUST happen Globally!! I do so agree that men do indeed need to grow a pair! Victim Blaming is a Horrible secondary attack on anyone who has ever been Abused in Any Way and from Anywhere!!
I so hope any Words both so Truthfully written by you as well as your other commenters can and will Stop the Blaming as well I thank you for sharing your own Personal Story and very Likely help others to HEAL in a Multitude of Ways,
Thank you for sharing Evelyne. Neal 🌈
Victim blaming is not OK; it is a travesty. Denial by perpetrators of unwanted advances or inappropriate behaviors are likewise not OK. Claiming an assault is consensual is not OK. Most recently, in my late life experience, being assaulted by a neighbor simply walking in my backdoor without knocking and fondling me to my shock just proved it’s never too late in life to escape unwanted behaviors from men who abuse at will. But the worst of the experience was the advice by the female police officer to forget filing an official complaint because I had no witness. The male officer of the team took a statement from the perpetrator who claimed he was being “friendly”. I was shaking in a chair while recounting the event; barely able to speak, feeling so powerless. Your ability to speak aggressively and powerfully was useful. But we need support from the police officers and courts before systemic change and EQUAL RIGHTS are truly endowed by our societies. We need to be heard and believed. Without reservation. The effects are long lasting and so very hurtful. I cannot imagine how much more difficult women experience unwanted encounters in places like Afghanistan.
Carry your strength proudly. 😘